Angels

Hi World,

I forgot to write something. Well I did on the bus there, but I was too tired afterwards and now it's been weeks. I remember wanting alone time by the end of it and also thinking that the drive back was very pretty for a cloudy day. The song Oh My Angel popped into my head just now and it made me cry, oh my god, I miss my mom so much even though we were together all day. I feel guilty as usual. I also feel as though time is moving very fast for everyone but me and that they're all changing without me. I want to go before I have to see it go too far, at least before my mom does. Oh my god, I wish I could ensure everyone was happy, I get so emotional thinking about Theo the Cat being lonely (he's in my closet right now), or like, my mom being sad, and I wish I could be everywhere at once and fix it all. But then again I'm here lonely and sad, but I think that's just okay since I can handle it by myself. I wish that they could take everyone's sadness away and just give it all to me.

I can't even remember what I've been doing since then, like that's a bit scary. I did see my best friend the other day, but I have no clue how I've been spending the rest of my time. I guess I've been going for walks. I need to read, I think. I feel foggy. I think it's really hard for me to adjust between living at home and living alone because it requires a complete personality switch that probably takes a toll on something in me. ALSO, I'm scared of losing my self. I remember a couple months ago I was upset about always being in my head, but now it feels all foggy and weird up there, and if that's the alternative then I don't like it. I just want to go home all the time even when I'm at home. 

What the hell else is going on. My partner is coming to see me this week. I love them but I also love my alone time. It works the best when we see each other for a little bit and then I can retreat alone for a bit too. I'll write more later but this was enough for now. Hopefully no one is here because I know this can't be pleasant to read. It does make me feel better though, like more grounded in reality. If you are here, though, I hope you know you are so lovely.

Whoa, oh my god, my birthday is in a month and a day. I'll be 23. JESUS CHRIST!!! What was I saying about time going slow for me!?? Oh my god, I'm almost 30. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be 23. EVER. I'm almost the same age as my groomer when we first met, that's absolutely bonkers. I still feel 16. FRIGHTFUL!