Bed Grocery

Hello world,

I haven't written in a while - I feel bad about that. I feel sad and lonely tonight. I had my first kiss two weeks ago. I initiated it too, because I'm so cool. It was messy and arms were everywhere and we bumped teeth, but I liked it a lot. They almost fell off the bed at some point and they got my neck too; I stood up every-time I pulled away and had to jump around and laugh because it was 2am and I was really nauseous (man, it took me so long to spell that correctly) since I didn't have dinner and I thought I might barf.

Unfortunately I am realizing that the presence of another human being doesn't solve the whole world and won't really make you feel that much less sad if you've got something wrong with you, even if you really like her. I think I liked it better last year when I thought all I needed was someone just like me and everything would be wonderful but that's so not the case even if I wish that it was. I'm probably just near my period; if I did the math, I bet I'd find that every post lines up with my menstrual cycle or something stupid. I tend to only write when I feel sad which isn't really super great because now my thing isn't super great to read. 

I started a new job today and it was okay. Everyone was nice. I just sat in the break-room and did the soulless online training courses, and there were millennial memes all over the walls. It's just a part-time thing at the grocery store near me and I wish I had more hours but for some reason my abysmal resume is not appealing to employers, whatever. I'm anxious about it, I don't know why. I want my old summer job back, I miss the girls and the sun and the birds and the flowers. I'm thinking of emailing my old boss and asking if I could still work there even with the part-time thing. I hate change so much, I wish I could do the comfortable thing over and over again. I hope being a librarian will be the comfortable thing. I think this is just how it is to be someone in their 20s. Eventually 30s, too. I think this is just how it is to be in February. 

I haven't really been doing anything lately. I go back and forth between homes. I play dumb video games. I go outside sometimes to say that I've done it. I take a melatonin to go to sleep at 10 and get mad when I wake up early because that means I have more of the day to waste. I need to go back to my roots, I've had my favourite manga on my bed for several days like that'll make me read it more. I miss my sister and I feel so much towards her, she is as troubled as she is is my bestest friend. If she died I'd go with her right away. I want to be. more radical. I want to be held.