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Hello Diary,
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Oh man. Well, the concert was incredible and amazing, my throat hurt like hell for three days after from singing so much, and my neck KILLED from head-banging. I must be very old. I don't think I've had that much fun in a very, very long time. I really wish I could go back. I think I'm going through another depressive episode right now because everything is dull and dead. I feel guilty because I'm not a very fun person to be around right now. I used to have health anxiety and I can tell when I'm depressed because if I imagine myself getting some kind of tragic terminal illness I wouldn't really care too much.
I don't really know what to do about it all, I've kind of been waiting for the summer to end, but I'm so anxious about starting classes again, because then it will start the timer to graduating, and then I'll truly be all on my own. I have a sort-of plan, but putting it in action will require some scary things that I'll have to deal with. Like, emailing professors, making appointments, scheduling things, making sure I do everything perfect and on time -- I guess this is just some normal adult-shit but I'm terrified. I think I can do it, and I just WILL I guess, but it's nerve-wracking and I do wish I had someone to talk to about it all. One of my close friends just got a girlfriend and I'm happy that he's happy but I'll miss him.
My main coping mechanism now is writing things down, and forcing myself to stop avoiding everything and anything. I didn't realize I was such an avoider until I thought about how I would often literally hide away from things that made me anxious. I don't want to hide anymore but it's hard. I don't want to inconvenience anyone with my presence and I guess that's pretty silly because I doubt I do. My mind wants me to get the hell out of everyone's way and lock myself in a closet but I don't really want to do that at all, I want to explore the whole world and sing and dance, and so it's conflicting and confusing.
I'm just going to keep waking up and trying until it all works out because there isn't much else to do.
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| Me and my sister |