Compulsive

Hi world,

Surprise, surprise - I'm not doing so well. I'm really scared and I feel sick in my own body. The thing that I'm gradually learning about OCD is that it's never really gone. This feeling of not having control over my own body terrifies me. I don't like not having control in anything, and especially over something that should be mine and no one else's. It's supposed to be my brain, why can't it just do what I tell it to?

So, yeah, my brain feels sick. I haven't told many people about this, and I guess I've sort of tried to push it out of my memory -- but when I was maybe 11 (?), til 13 (?), I had *trichotillomania.* What a big, scary word. I used to pull my hair out constantly, and retrospectively it makes me sad that someone so little was experiencing something like that. It's like a bird that pulls its own feathers. You know, this probably should've clued to my parents that I had OCD, but it wasn't until I turned 18 and completely shut down that I got my diagnosis. Anyways. I've noticed this phenomena where mothers in healthcare/education/whatever-adjacent careers will spent their days caring for people experiencing health issues whilst ignoring the very same symptoms in their own children at home. You know what I mean? My mom is a special education teacher. She has worked with children who experience both physical and mental health issues. So it confuses me as to why she thought meeting my trichotillomania with anger was the right move? If you see someone struggling with something, especially if that someone is a child, why would you get ANGRY at them??? Why do other people's deviations make people angry? In the same vein, when you're a kid getting bullied for your appearance, why are YOU mad that I'm not conventional? Bewildering. 

Long story short, I'm starting to do it again. I have no idea why. Definitions can be so accurate, it really is a cycle of shame, guilt, anxiety, self-soothing behaviour, repeat. People can be accurate too, they don't really change so much. My mom's started yelling at me for self-h*rming as if I'm really hurting her, and to a mother, I guess I am - but, please don't react with anger. If I could have my way, I'd be bright like the sun. All my friends are suicidal and I sort of prided myself on being the one to hold it together, but everything is getting worse and worse and it's honestly, truly scary. 

Oh, also: guess what! 

I'm making a neocities site!

I've been brewing some ideas for an interesting, sort-of-interactive site. I really wanted to have something to show, because I can't exactly advertise this site with all of its ranting and complaining. Also, I wanted to make something completely from scratch. I didn't realize how frustrating it would be to have ideas and not be able to materialize them, I CANNOT DRAW!!! But. I've been learning and dabbling in digital art using Clip-Studio-whatever-it's-called. I made a little fairy girl. It'll be a very long process, but maybe It'll be semi-up-and-running in 2026 if I'm still up-and-running in 2026.