Anomalous Materials

Hello.

Everything sucks so bad, I need to vent again. My partner didn't come visit me and I'm so alone. I get so jealous of them sometimes but they have no idea. Everyone loves them and they're so approachable and they can make friends so easily. It makes me so upset that I experience the opposite, like I go days without talking at all. My measly job is the worst and no one talks to me except the one old creepy man, and I have a billion bruises all over my legs and everything hurts so so bad, and the freezer is so cold, and my hair gets so dry and my nails break and fall off, and I feel so ugly, and gross strange liquid drips on me from the pipes. Maybe they're just more social than me, but I feel like that's just not true; people just see them more and everyone wants to talk to someone cute and endearing and sweet and not a gross miserable hag. But then I'm really not depressed all the time, I only get this way after the fact. I think it hurts more when I put in a lot of effort only for it to fail anyways. I know it's weird to be jealous of a partner. You know, I don't even feel like a partner since we're long distance now, I'm like not even probably in the top three of people that gets their attention. I feel like one of their many friends and not even a best one. 

LOOK AT THIS CAT. I POSTED THIS CAT LAST YEAR, JULY 9TH. I COMMENTED ON IT'S WHOPPING $35 PRICE TAG. NOW IT SAYS ON SALE FROM $50 TO $40???!!! ANTIQUE CAT INFLATION!?!?!?

Aren't you supposed to feel significant if you're a significant other??? I hate feeling like this and no I'm not going to tell them. I don't want to be in a stupid relationship if I don't get to feel special. I don't want to feel like just one of many. Maybe I'm just trying to protect my inner 10 year-old excluded self but I really do feel like her and it hurts a lot. If I'm alone I can say that I chose to be like that and then it's like I have control, but now I'm in a relationship and I just feel pathetic. Not being picked for anything as a kid affects you more than one would think and it kind of irritates me that they don't know what it's like to spend your lunches in the bathroom or get laughed at for having to tell the teacher that you don't have a group. I don't mean to suggest that they've have it easy. I think most people put on a persona so that they belong to a group rather than not putting on one at all and dealing with the lonely consequences. I can imagine that the former is awful in a different way. I'm a genius and so I shut down when I'm anxious and upset instead of communicating, so what you're seeing here is probably something along the lines of what I should be saying to my partner instead of writing it to no one but since it is to no one it won't get better and they'll just think I'm ignoring them. I'm supposed to visit them next week and I want to but I also don't because I'm pissed off that I have to put in effort only to not feel chosen at all. If we break up I'm probably never going to get into another one ever again, I can't deal with it. I wish I could run away and be alone with a cat, I don't want or need anyone with me. I ate like an entire bag of garlic crackers and almost an entire tub of garlic cream cheese, and my face is all swollen and snotty so I feel like such an incredible catch. OKAY, I am actually so, so, so mad. 

Also look at this stupid thing, it's labelled "skinny pikachu," but it's head is giant.

EVERYONE gets to hang out with my stupid partner BUT ME, and that isn't fair. I don't want to share with a billion other people. IF I say "no I'm not okay, I'm jealous that everyone gets to hang out with you but me" that makes me sound super insecure and lame. My period is late and I'm supposed to be on it and I go completely insane before it. I've said this before but literally every single thing I've posted is around the same date and that's because I lose my marbles and go wonky before my period and writing about it makes me feel sort of better. OK goodbye. No wait, okay I will tell them I feel jealous, and I'm not like saying they can't have friends, I'm mostly just sad that I don't get to have time with them. That's all. Ok. Ok. GOODBYE. I need to start bleeding asap, it's like, in my mind it's like a release of toxic crap in my brain. The title of this one is a chapter from half-life, teehee. ANOTHER THING, I need to stop minimizing myself and my feelings actually. NO THINGS ARE NOT OK and YOU ARE GONNA HEAR ABOUT IT.