Socialization

Semi-personal crap

For the past three years I've been trying quite hard (for me, anyways) to "get out of my shell" and do scary things. I remember a high-school teacher pulling me aside one day and telling me to stop hiding in the background. I struggled a lot in high-school and elementary school, but it's been so long I can barely remember unless I try really hard or something in a dream reminds me.

I've always felt alienated from other people and I don't really know why. I still wonder why I was the only girl alone of the twenty-something all-girl gym class. I felt like an imposter. Sometimes I wish I knew what the others were thinking which prompted them to avoid me or I wish I could go back in time and observe myself and see if I had done anything wrong. 

Or maybe the reason why was because I never understood or got a handle on the proper ways to socialize, and I don't think I put any "effort" in to try. I can picture little me sitting in the back of the class, slinking out as soon as it had ended, and disappearing somewhere til the next class, or the next day. I wish I didn't hide so much. I wish I knew that I was alright. I didn't realize that my behaviour came off as disinterested or judgemental of others; I thought I was doing people a favour by erasing myself from their presence. That sounds kind of bad, but I think it was true.

This year I moved out and am now living close to school. Commuting everyday to class the previous years was incredibly isolating. This year I've been going to this board game club thingy, and it's been something I look forward to every week. The people that attend are just my type. Like, I can actually talk to them, and they understand what I'm saying, and I don't feel like I have five heads when I mess up or say the wrong thing. It's really cool.

And I can fall in love with just anyone.