Socialization

Semi-personal crap

For the past three years I've been trying quite hard (for me, anyways) to get out of my shell and do scary things. I remember a high-school teacher pulling me aside one day and telling me to stop hiding in the background. I struggled a lot in high-school and elementary school, but it's been so long I can barely remember unless I try really hard or something in a dream reminds me.

I've always felt very alien and I don't really know why. I still think about the girl standing far on the opposite side of the gym in a twenty-something person class. I felt like an imposter. Sometimes I wish I could know what they were thinking so I could see if I had done anything wrong. 

Maybe I never got a handle on the proper ways to socialize, or maybe I didn't put any effort in to try. I can picture little me sitting in the back of the class, slinking out as soon as it ended and disappearing somewhere til the next. I wish I didn't hide so much. I wish I knew that I was alright. I didn't realize that my behaviour came off as disinterested or judgemental of others; I thought it was for the best. That sounds kind of bad, but I think it was true.

This year I moved out and am now living close to school. Commuting everyday to class the previous years was incredibly isolating. This year I've been going to this board game club thing, and it's been something I look forward to every week. The people that attend are just my type. Like, I can actually talk to them, and they understand what I'm saying, and I don't feel like I have five heads when I mess up or say the wrong thing. It's pretty cool.