Yesterday

I'm afraid to graduate, I know that many feel the same way though. I have 4 (and a half?) months left. One more semester.

I'd really rather not leave. I really hate change. It took me four years to get to this state of comfort and uprooting everything is going to be scary, but I can sort of hazily imagine a beautiful future for myself in the distance which makes it sorta manageable. 

I also really hate phone calls! I'm not good at improvising conversations and I don't know how to answer questions without seeing your face.

I've overstayed my welcome here though. I'm kind of done being surrounded by 18 year olds and that's okay. We're not at the same stage so I know it's time to go. 

I will miss my English classes though. I'll miss learning. I mean, I'll always be learning, but not like this, not in an "academic" way, and a part of me feels bad about it because I know that academia is what people really consider the baseline for what it means to be intellectual, or whatever. I don't know. 

BUT, I think out of my entire four years here, I've only had four classes where I ever really learnt something I could not have learnt elsewhere. I've been sitting in a LOT of useless classes, and yeah, fine, that's what being an arts major gets you, but whatever, okay. I've learnt valuable things through my own experiences, and I've taught myself a lot, so there's that. I'm typing this right now in a class about podcasts (???) and what the heck, I don't even like podcasts. I actually kind of hate them. But it's okay. I'm very proud of being an arts student though. Nothing in the world could have persuaded me to study stem, or business (vomit) or all the other miscellaneous things there are to be studied.

I'll probably miss certain professors, although I never really tried to connect with any of them. I don't even know if I wanted to, I don't think they wanted to. I'm envious of the people in my classes who are able to speak to their professors at ease, and like, laugh with them and things, they're all so intimidating, even if he's really just some random old man with a bunch of kids or something.

I think being a librarian will be the best of both worlds for me, I'll be able to stay close to my books and the things that I love, while also always learning and helping others learn, but not in the ultra-cliquey (pretentious ? hierarchal ? objectifying ???) academic way. 

The only thing in my way is myself (lol), and oKAY, that's really cheesy but it's true. It's embarrassing to admit but I have zero confidence in my abilities at all, like I don't even think I could talk to people, when yes??? I can???!! I do it everyday?!?! I want to shake myself out of it but I also want to be nice to myself because I'm trying my best with what I have, ya know? I think it's a really difficult thing to have confidence when you've grown up with a father who continues to doubt your ability to do basic things like freaking putting something in the oven??? Like, I'm a 21 year old adult!? Oh, and having OCD doesn't help either when your own dumb brain is doubting your ability to lock the door or act "properly" in public or whatever. It's really helpful for me to write through why I act the way I do, sometimes it gets all jumbled up in my head and I forget. Sometimes I just want to blame it all on my dad and call it a day because it's easier that way. 

The most perfect life I could ever have would be to be a librarian in a small library by the sea. I'd go home to a bunch of cats or maybe just one, and I'd decorate everything the way I like. I'd have a garden with tomatoes and carrots, and I wouldn't mind if bunnies and crows ate them. If the world ends before all that, it's okay, but I can't just not try. 

Is this stupid and unattainable? I have to go shopping and this time I'm not going to buy cookie dough and random weird drinks I've never tried before. Okay, maybe just one.