I am once again AFRAID to graduate.
The last day of my favourite class is on Wednesday, and I am so sad.
When you're a first year, university feels like a semi-continuation of high-school where you're woken up absurdly early in the morning and dragged to what you think are meaningless classes (okay, it didn't feel like that for me because I spent like two hours commuting, trying to navigate a city I wasn't accustomed to before eventually transferring, trying to survive ((I jest, BUT???)) -- but I did always think that I'd have so much time left.) but when you're about to graduate it feels like you're leaving behind some sort of exclusive club that you'll never have access to again. That is if you're like me and can't afford to or don't have the courage to stay in academia.
I feel so guilty but I know I shouldn't because the institution isn't really a good place. I just hate being conflicted. I like writing things down, coming to a conclusion that makes sense in my brain, and being satisfied for the moment, but there's nothing that can be done here other than just letting it all happen. I don't really like not having control.
One of my professors is so smart and I wish I could listen to him talk all day. Graduating feels like I'm ending a really good show in the middle of season 2 and there's still more seasons to come.
I don't feel like I got everything I wanted out of being here. I definitely did something, and I'll get a stupid degree, but I think I'm missing a lot experiences. Maybe I can just speed-run it all and get it over with during my last semester this fall.
Anyways, I just wanted to ramble something quick. Bye-bye :^)
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