Pre-Summer Rant

A week ago, on my day-off, I went to the park and read and wandered and walked all over the place. It was one of those days where it was sunny but not too hot, and just a little windy so you're not going to collapse and die on the concrete. 

I liked the purple flowers on this plant.

Yesterday I took the bus and wandered around another town for a while. It's kind of nice to just ride somewhere and explore new places on foot. I didn't even wear my headphones like I usually do, so I actually was sort of present for the first time in a while. I feel like headphones make me disassociate more than usual, or something. My job cut our hours this week, and it's coming to an end. I work like five hours on Friday and Saturday, so I've been so desperate  trying to find some way to occupy my time. I need to constantly have something to distract myself with otherwise I'll turn into my worst self ever and I'm always afraid of that happening. I loved and yearned for summer in the winter, but now it's just a rush to make sure I have something to do. I only really feel fulfilled and like I deserve to relax when I've been out of the house. 

This spot by the lake is one of my favourites.

And oh God, graduation is becoming very real to me now, I guess I did a good job pushing it away. I'm choosing courses for my last semester, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't terrified. I don't have anyone to talk to about this either, as they are all younger with a year or so to go, or have already graduated -- but then I don't think they wanted to stay anyways. I don't want to leave something manageable and comfortable enough, and somewhere I know exactly what I'm doing. Man, I'm so anxious. And then there's the stupid getting-the-references thing from professors whom I barely know, and applying to grad school, and like, what if I take a class with that professor I did well with, and somehow GET WORSE??? I need something.