Today was one of the most horrible days. I feel so gross. My insides feel viscerally repulsive. I don’t like the idea that I am perceived as something to stare at, or someone to harass, because I don’t see myself that way. I see myself as someone really strong.
I’m sick of being stared at, i’m sick of trying to do my stupid job and having putrid old men just stand there, gawping. i’m sick of seeing men lurk around for hours doing nothing, buying nothing, just LOOKING at us. I’m sick of the stupid high-school workers being weirdos. I’m sick of being called cute or, on one occasion, a “good girl” for answering a fucking question. It’s my fucking job, i’m not a child, i’m three times your fucking size and I could curb stomp you.
I’m so angry, i’m so enraged, and all I can do is write a stupid post on here. My coworkers are all women, and I’m really grateful that we all look out for each other and relate to one another, but nothing is normal about having a super fun relatable conversation with your supervisor about the countless horrible encounters we have men. This is not something we should just put up with, but no one really does a thing.
Today I had just clocked out and was walking to the bus stop whilst texting a friend and I most lovingly had a man scream “oh, you’re welcome you fucking c*nt” at me because, oh I don’t know, I didn’t thank him for not RUNNING ME OVER??? Like, thank you so, so much sir, wow thank you!!! FUCK. I didn’t even have an actual reason to thank him, I wasn’t in the way, but I guess for men like him we should just always be so very thankful for letting us, I don’t know, EXIST.
Also, I don’t thank people in their stupid cars for letting me go, lol. It should be expected. Fuck cars. Anyways, the loser just sped away and I didn’t even have time to react, which is for the best because there’s no way in hell am I giving them a reaction. I wanna carry a bag of rocks so I can whip em at men. When I say I hate them, I mean it. I need a pocket knife.
And now i’m going to sound real fucking stupid as I talk about some unrequited love for a man, but I guess that’s the horrible nature for women who have no choice but to love who I think are their greatest enemies. Stupid. I keep seeing men that look just like him in some sort of way or another and it makes me want to fall to my knees. I am a lost cause. THANKFULLY, I have never fraternized with one (lol) and I am almost never ever attracted to them, otherwise I’d be really angry with myself, too.
I wish I could tell every woman to completely avoid them at all costs and never associate with them ever again, and you know what, I do - but it’s easy for me to say that when i’m not really attracted to them. I can imagine how awful it is for straight women to love and be taught to love someone who will always hate you just a little bit (or a whole lot) for reasons unknown.
I think people forget how extremely dangerous it is to be a straight woman who must be vulnerable with someone that has been socialized to dislike you. I listen to my roommates tell me about all the horrible dates they’ve encountered. The ways in which they continue to go on more and more to find the “one” is horrifying and confusing to me. It took me a while to recognize that they can’t be blamed — everyone deserves to love, be loved, and to experience intimacy. It’s not their fault that misogyny exists.
Also, how absolutely fucked up is it that we are expected to interact with, and have neutral feelings for, all kinds of men who actively go home and get off to our abuse??? Like, do you know how absolutely fucking insane this is??? I could be having a pleasant conversation with someone who secretly not so secretly enjoys seeing people like me raped and abused in their alone time. And this, to so many, is okay, normal, and totally doesn’t interfere with how they see women in “real life.” (WHICH, BY THE FUCKING WAY, sex workers ARE real life women. They aren’t made up or fake, they’re women deliberately set aside to be victims of exploitation so the rest of us so-called “normal women” are spared.) I would never have made the world like this. It's not fair.
I want to find the one man in the universe that is safe and kind and compassionate, move to the middle of nowhere, and never see another ever again. Also my mom would have to be there too. And maybe my sister.
Life is so strange.
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