Almost Anniversary

I'm back from the winter break thing and gahhh. It's hard to come back knowing everyone will be off to classes and i'll be stuck in my room. I'm grateful that I didn't have to move back home quite yet. I think that would've hurt more. I miss it so much. I guess I can technically go to campus. I probably will go the library at some point, no one cares. And I'll visit my sister who is only in her third year. But it's sad to feel out of place. 

I don't ever want to live alone, I think. I used to have these fantasies of living on my own in a little studio apartment but I'm not sure if that's something I'd ever be able to handle. It's so weird, I used to be really good at being alone. I used to seek it out when I was a kid. I wonder what changed. Now I just have a pit in my chest that aches and dulls. I don't know what to do, I'm so stuck. I don't know what I want or what to do and I'm always scared to wake up. Anyways --> 

I can't believe it's almost the anniversary of this website! That is incredibly, incredibly insane. It sort of brings me strange comfort knowing that I felt the same way then as I do now even though I had classes. That means I'm not missing out on much, right? God, my face feels so tight like I'm about to cry but nothing comes out. That's not good. I know I should just stop being so weird about everything actually, but it's hard because I'm the biggest dummy who feels so deeply about everything. HOWEVER, I think I've grown since I made my first post??? But I'm also sort of jealous of my past self for being able to to spend hours working on this site. I had so much fun. I'm jealous that she had classes but worked on this site instead. Now I have nothing and I can't do anything but mope. BUT NO -- I WILL DO THINGS!!! 

Also!!! the aforementioned individual and I are going on a date!!! THIS? Friday!!! I'm still incredibly depressed BUT!!! I get to see someone really pretty soon, so that's a reason to keep doing things. I remember noticing them right away in my first class back in September and thinking they were so cool. They had on a MCR shirt, I told them I liked it, and then they ran away really fast after which was very cute. It's funny how once you sort of notice someone they just appear everywhere. One week it was late at night and I was miserable and walking back home after a mile trek to get candy and they walked by me and I was like, huh, that's the person I really want to talk to. The next week I came into class, saw them sitting all alone in the back, SAT IN FRONT OF THEM, and then switched spots to sit beside them and struck up some sort of horrible conversation. Now it's been two months and we've been talking since, which is neat. 

It made me really happy when they started waiting for me before and after class so we could sit together. One time they smelled like flowers and it felt like I was talking to someone I'd known for a long time. It kind of makes me want to cry that I'll never get to sit next to them in a class ever again. Or, like, notice them from across the hall. I'm going to miss having stupid school crushes. I really liked those. Or did I??? I don't know. Maybe I didn't, actually. I don't know what I'm talking about. Isn't actually having a date with someone you like better? Do I just like yearning and fantasizing about people??? I don't think so. I think that's just what I have the most experience with, so that's what I'm used to. I haven't even been on a real date. Especially not with someone I actually LIKE. I wouldn't call wandering around the woods with some guy that wouldn't even meet my eyes a date. I have no idea why I did that. Isn't getting to chat with the person you like as they sit across from you better than sitting super still next to them for an hour in a rolly chair and desk before walking them to the bus stop and parting ways??? I think my problem is that I've never been in a relationship before, so I've no idea what to wish for, and therefore I just cling onto things I already know - which is, noticing, yearning, thinking, and maybe saying like a few words if I'm lucky before going home. I think my problem is that I think too much. I think it's winter and it's gross like usual!!! In the summer I'll be semi-alive again. If there's anything to live for, it's that. 

Alright lemme do something:

DAILY PLANS !!! *to survive the next three months and not k*ll myself

• SHOWER AND GET DRESSED EVERYDAY
• Don't*** stay in your pjs all day!!! 
• GET OUTTA THE HOUSE
• Go for a big walk!!! I know it's ugly outside, BUTTTT you gotta!
• Go to the library / visit a new one!!
• Go to a cafe!!!
• MOVIES / GAMES
• Watch comfort movies and shows again!!
• On the watchlist are: Bolt, Meet the Robinsons, Miraculous Ladybug, Pretty Little Liars
• Video games!!!
• Life is strange
• Tf2
• Undertale again
• CREATE / MUSIC
• Write poetry or short stories! Even just a few sentences is ENOUGH
• Neocities site work!
• Blogger site work!
• Practice guitar
• READ
• Comfort books
• Twilight and Jane Eyre!!!
• New ones!!!
• The Tenant of Wildfell Hall, Middlemarch, Villette,