Pretzels

Sorry, this is probably post 3/100 of being miserable about graduating. He he he. I hate that my brain wants to romanticize my time in university so that I'll feel more sad and nostalgic when it wasn't all that great in the first place. It's so silly. SO I'm going to ramble about it.

My first year was at a different university where I was miserable and so naive. I redownloaded an old diary app I used to use during that time when I was like 18 to 20, and I was (unsuprisingly) so, so silly. In one of the first ones, I wrote something like "MY GOAL FOR THE YEAR 2021-2022 IS TO KISS SOMEONE FOR THE FIRST TIME, THAT'S ALL" like, come ON. WHAT. Did it happen, no, but I was genuinely stupid, like there were so many more important things going on. ALSO, I walked around looking like a dehydrated and malnourished BUG so there's that. Other than that, I write the same. I don't think that's a good thing. Anyways. I transferred and started feeling regret after doing that as if getting up at 5am to take the train into Toronto for my dumb 8:30 class was really spectacular and fun. MAN. YOU KNOW IT WASN'T. Sometimes i'd accidentally get the two hour bus home which made all stops and I'd listen to the blue album of Weezer the entire time. There is no way my stupid brain managed to romanticize whatever that was, but somehow it did. Oh my god. I can't even believe that was something that happened, it was only four years ago but it was such a weird time. When I switched to my current university I was too afraid to go into any of the buildings, I was too afraid to eat in public, and I would hide in the library for the several hours between my classes. I was such a mess. I did that for like, two years I think. AND THEN I somehow managed to move into a place in my school's town which helped me actually socialize and do things (!!!), which was super new to me. My only regret was not doing it sooner, but it's okay, cause everyone's on their own path, etc or whatever it is people say. 

I probably said the same thing in the summer, but living at home makes me so anxious that I'll revert back to how I was, and I hope i'm not that fragile. I'm sad when I'm not at home because no one is around but I'm sad here too. Although I'm sort of proud of myself for managing to do things despite being told by my family that I wouldn't be able to any of it, so that's nice. I think that if they didn't doubt me so much I would probably be a much less anxious and much more confident person, whatever. I really hate Christmas because I dislike my family, and I dislike that I don't really have control over being like them. Everyone here sleeps so much and has no drive to do anything. I wish it was summer and I was by the sea. I feel like this house is haunted in a way that makes you miserable and despondent when you live in it, but prevents you from doing anything to leave. I'm always starting fights because I tell them it's not good for them but no one wants to listen and everyone just sleeps. Like, ALL THE TIME. It's really scary. It's scary to do hard things too, but you really, really have to. 

I guess I'm trying my best right now and there's nothing that can be done but I hate feeling powerless. I hate "transitional periods." and "liminal spaces." I hate ugly cookie-cutter neighbourhoods where you can walk for miles and see the same houses over, and over again. It's like a nightmare. Whoever made these things must have genuinely wanted people to go insane. Everyone is so close but no one knows each other AT ALL. I hate that you need a big, stupid car to get anywhere. I hate that everything was built for cars. I hate gigantic parking lots where you might get run-over trying to get across the sidewalk that just stops abruptly for no reason other than the fact that whoever made it must've thought no one was going to walk on it anyways. I hate that it's grey all day until it turns dark at 4:30 PM. I hate that my face hurts when I go outside. I hate that I want community but I wouldn't be very good at keeping it. I hate my gross dad.

I do however love the sun and big walks and the lake and how it stretches so far that it looks like there's nothing but water on the other side, and I love ugly websites, and writing random garbage, and pretty eyes, and stupid patterns.