Big Grey Piles of Mush

Hello,

It's me again, and right on cue cuz look at the date. This isn't just today but I still feel like icky. Just in general. I am learning that relationships are really hard. I don't think I'm fit to be in one. Platonic or otherwise. I'm overwhelmed all the time. I guess technically I'd be an avoidant but I'm not quite because I'll do things anyways even when it feels not so great. Not in a troubling way. I do love her. People are so hard and socializing in a way that matters is even worse. My partner is like the opposite of me and has so, so many friends and connections and I hate to make them feel bad because they get so excited when they tell me about everything but it makes me want to curl up and hide because it's too much. Like, how can you know so many people. I don't know. I don't want to say that they're too trusting, or like, too willing to open up to people (maybe they are), but it makes me very uncomfortable because it takes me ages to warm up to people and I am very selective with people I choose to be close with, so I feel like an outsider because I can't relate or offer anything of my own. It's so hard. When they gush about their past it makes me even more uncomfortable because I don't want to think about mine ever. Maybe I need to be more like them. I don't think I could handle that many connections. But then I'm so lonely all the time. It's my fault, but also I hate to be seen and I can't connect with people very well. So I guess that's depression but I still think I'm missing something. I should be happy right now. 

And also I feel so guilty being around them, like I'm taking up a space from someone else. It sounds like I'm insecure but I don't really feel that way, I just don't feel like I exist at all and I don't want to bother anyone about it. I'm really scared when I meet their friends next week because I will absolutely be depressed and weird. ANYWAYS, I've been icky and playing video games and sleeping and going to work when I should be doing things that make me fulfilled like writing and doodling and wandering. HOWEVER, it's still horrible outside. I hope I'll be okay soon. I feel guilty when I feel nothing and I do wish I wasn't alive

I'm moving to a new city all alone in September for school. Like, actually alone this time. I won't have my sister and home won't be a half an hour bus ride. It's what I need to do but not really what I want. I found a room and met my future new roommates; the two that I spoke with were very cool and sweet and I think we'll get along well! It'll be good for me, I'm okay with it, and I'll meet lots of really cool people who like the same things I do. I was so worried a few months ago when I first graduated that I'd be too sad to leave but I'm ready now, and even then I've still got five months left. Man. I'm worried that I'm changing because I feel different but that's how it goes. I'm worried about leaving my sister the most and I do wish it wasn't in the middle of nowhere. It's twice the size of the city I'm in now. Grrr. I wish I could feel a lot of things. My phone is broken and I hate it so much. My dad's phone has the stupidest clown-like alarm.