Water Colour

Hello :-) I went here ← on Tuesday and slept all day on Wednesday. It was nice for a while. I feel like how I felt in January and I'm wondering how and why the heck that is because I thought that was a winter-only thing. I want to remember that right now is a transitional period for me and it's okay-ish to not do anything, but it's really hard. I hate not doing anything, and as embarrassing as it is for me to say, I'm lonely. I used be stand-offish in school because it was the one place where my loneliness was especially exposed. I felt vulnerable and scared. I feel vulnerable just writing it, when I shouldn't because it's my own space. If not here, then where else is everything supposed to go? In sixth grade we had to do an "about me" activity and in one part we were told to list the names of our friends. I think it had like four spots and I wrote down my sister. The girl beside me laughed at how empty it was. Since I was very young, in almost every fight with my father, he'll say "at least I have friends" (okay, dude. You're like, almost 60), but little does he know that I'm doing much better than I was before. What a horrible thing to say to a child, though. I don't understand why he doesn't understand that part of the reason why I was so alone was because of him.

    Anyways, my biggest insecurity is my lack of friends and it's so embarrassing. I've always felt like a failure for not being able to connect with others, and I've tried to convince myself that I am one of those people who enjoy their own company the best, but I'm not and it's embarrassing. Sometimes I think something is severely wrong with me but I don't know what. And wanting things is so embarrassing. I would honestly rather be shot in the leg than say "I desire love and affection and intimacy." Not because it's untrue, but because I feel like it puts a giant target on my chest. I guess I don't want to be pitied, I don't know. Um. Today I spent forty minutes on the bus to go to the only Michael's in town and spent probably the same amount in money on water-colour supplies. Since I can't really run outside and yell "DOES ANYONE WANNA HANG OUT WITH ME," I want to 

And my interestingly shaped shadow

cultivate a ton of hobbies to keep me distracted. I've always wanted to try art, like painting-art, and water-colour always looked the prettiest to me. My sister gave me her paints, and I got the brushes and paper, so after I post this, and after my nap, I'll try to paint a big watermelon or something, curtesy of my newfound media obsession (see last post). And that's another thing, I HATE when I get all weird about a piece of media. I don't even mean to, sometimes I just watch or read something and my brain is consumed by it for a couple months, and it's awful.

That's me in the middle! 

Like, just MOVE ON ALREADY!!! And the only thing that makes me feel better is when I engage with it like I am now. I've watched that film like four times. I hate it because it makes me want things in real life. I hate romance films and novels because it makes my dumb heart hurt when I wish it would just be quiet and get over it. So anyways. It's like a panic-attack but in my heart. Sometimes i'm worried it might actually kill me or something, that would probably suck.

Okay, future me here:

⃪ I made this crap and it was HARD. I'm not good at all, but it was fun. I've never been a drawing/painting kind of person.