Cottage Cheese

    Hello :^)

    I'll be at my dad's friends' cottage this week. It's really beautiful here, and the lake is right at the bottom of the stairs. I don't know if this happens to other people or if I'm just a loser killjoy but I feel a little miserable on vacation. I know this is really selfish and privileged. I guess I get homesick even though I don't like being at home. I wish I had a camera that worked, then I could take pretty photos. Maybe I'm also a little jealous of people that have cottages, I can't imagine having a second house anywhere. Just one is probably far out of my reach by now. 

    It's just my parents and I, and I wish my sister was here but she's with her cat. My dad makes me sick and I love my mom to death but she's a different person when she's around him. My hair frustrates me but I can't stop cutting it off. Does anyone else notice how some women you know change when they're around men? It's like a switch goes off and suddenly you don't exist and everything they do is at their feet. You try to talk to them and all the things you've shared never happened. Just when I think she understands me, she defends him again. And then I soften up and start to love him again, too, because he's got all the same problems I inherited and I can't not see him as someone who deserves empathy. I can't.

    Patriarchy is a sick parasite and sometimes I think about all the wonderful women lost to it. Past generations of women were beaten so much so into submission that women today need almost nothing to reproduce it. Now I really am a killjoy, but I don't mind and Sara Ahmed says its okay.

DAY ONE

A three hour car ride. Giant plastic donuts and a gross bathroom. Elliot Smith, Hole, and an almost finished iced-coffee. Falling down the stairs and a decaying snail. Harry Styles on the wall and bedroom journalling.

NEVERMIND

OKAY, I gave up on writing a whole thing - basically I went on a few hikes, was called ""difficult"" by my father many times, and the most memorable moment was eating Arby's alone in the car. I really like Arby's, and I only recently found out that it is universally hated and on the brink of EXTINCTION!!! I should've shut up more for my mom's sake but unfortunately I suck, I'm immature, and I couldn't. I'm sorry.

08/10/2025

    I haven't been home in almost ten days and I'm scared that all my plants are dead. I have a little ivy, a frankenstein-ed coleus, a mini fittonia in a frog cup, and what I think is some sort of snake plant. Also a tiny cactus, but I forget about her. I had a boncel that I was really fond of. It was shaped like a hand and sometimes I would give it high-fives, but one day when I went to inspect it, it was all mushy like applesauce.

    I watched Weapons today with my mom and my sister. It was kind of stupid. Witchcraft interests me and I don't like to see it demonized considering how important it is and was to so many women. I think it can be a powerful tool for good. It boggles my mind (not really, I know why) that people will so readily believe in a random male (of course) god who conveniently subjugates women whilst dismissing witchcraft, a deeply personal, nature-focused practice. I think a year and a bit ago I had something. Or at least I was doing something right, witch-y related. I haven't felt that way again and I'd really like to get back there.