Spaceship

I know this isn't true but I feel like the only person in the whole world who is so other and strange. Actually, I don't even feel like a human. I wish someone could just give me advice on how not to feel like an alien roaming the earth. I think I was born-wrong or whatever, like I can't ever exist comfortably and I also can't connect to people in a way that makes sense. I don't know. There's definitely something wrong with me and I still don't know what to do about it. I'm probably autistic, whatever. I don't really think having a label solves anything. Blaah, I just hate existing in my body and I hate being forced to participate in humanity because I suck at it so, so badly and when it goes wrong I feel super guilty :-(. I don't think I'm cut out for socialization even though I know it's important, like I'm probably going to have to move to the middle of nowhere with some cats and then they can eat me when it's all over, lol.

It's my final exam season which is WHATEVER, and one is on Wednesday and I genuinely cannot stop crying over it because it is terrifying and I don't want to do it, especially not at 8:30 AM!?! Just looking at my notes makes me want to throw up, and I can't even DO THAT because I have to go to campus to work on it otherwise my roommates will say I'm hibernating and avoiding them, and I don't want them to think I hate them. I just figure going out is better than that, I don't have it in me to fail at small-talk. I feel like this every single winter without fail, like I need to GET OUT OF HERE so badly, there is absolutely no way I can survive another decade where half the months of the year feel like torture. I'm so dramatic, but no, really, it's so bad. I'm just not meant in a place where there is no sun, I need to get red and burn to a crisp everyday. 

There's just the constant dilemma of feeling guilty about not going outside because if I don't I won't socialize and then when I do go outside my like alien-ness is made more apparent just in contrast with other people. Like I'm sure to everyone else I'm just another boring face, but like it FEELS so wrong and so weird and that's no fun. I have yet to meet anyone who gets what I mean, and that doesn't help either.

My landlord is apparently kicking everyone out come May, which is whatever because I'm leaving a month before that, but I'm so sad for my roommate's kitty :( I'm sure he'll be okay wherever he goes, but it's just so cruel. As far as landlords go, he was alright because he left us the fuck alone and kept the rent as cheap as he could, but now his mother (?) wants to gift the place to her grandchildren (???), like, alright dude. God, imagine just having extra properties lying around to give to your family. I couldn't ever be a landlord because unfortunately I have a conscience and there's no way I could uproot people's lives on a whim, my god. I guess it's not really their fault. I don't know. I miss when I still had classes and I could just day-dream all day during them, it was so much less stressful than whatever the hell this is. I wish I could just be alone without feeling ashamed for it. Like, if I lived on a little mountain and with a kitten and a goat or some crap, and that's all I ever knew for my whole entire life, I'd be the happiest creature on the whole planet. 

I literally just need to survive for four more months whilst doing minimal damage and then everything will be okay, but I have no idea what April is going to look like and that's terrifying. I can't do things without structure, and by that time it's up to me to create it. I don't think I'm mature enough. Maybe I should just fuck off and travel somewhere and get lost and then return in like 15 years. Maybe I should learn how to drive a boat.